


Just let me have this

by Tea_and_Deerstalkers



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Dysphoria, Happy Ending, Hurt Bucky Barnes, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-03 09:27:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4095718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tea_and_Deerstalkers/pseuds/Tea_and_Deerstalkers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky wants to have his arm removed but Steve doesn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Don't Interfere Steve...

**Author's Note:**

> All I can keep thinking is that if Bucky went back to normal, he wouldn't want that arm...  
> And after seeing RDJ with the Collective Project, and giving that little kid the iron man prosthetic, it just gave me the perfect idea for a story.  
> There are a lot of feels in this, I guess... kinda... Not used to writing much dysphoria... don't like my stuff to be too dark, but this worked too well in my mind.  
> It does end happy! Don't run away too early!  
> And this might be longer, I don't know yet...

"What's that smile?" Steve smirked, walking into their shared living space. The two had agreed that after so long apart, they wanted each other close by. They weren't sharing a bed like they used to back in the day, but their rooms were side by side with their own bathrooms, a shared kitchen and living space, and Steve was pretty sure that was doing Bucky more good than some of his therapy sessions.  
"Going to see Tony today" Bucky grinned, almost shaking with excitement.  
"Yeah?" Steve mumbled, wandering over to get some cereal. "Do you want something to eat?"  
"Can't" Bucky smiled, one of his legs bouncing now. "Tony said nil by mouth for twelve hours before the procedure"  
"What?" Steve blinked, almost dropping his bowl.  
"Yeah I know... But Tony said it'll be easier for me on an empty stomach" Bucky hummed.  
"No, I mean what procedure?" Steve snapped, putting his bowl down before he broke it.  
"Oh, right" Bucky grinned "I'm having my arm removed today"  
Steve felt sick, his stomach twisting in painful knots, rising up through his chest.  
"You can't be serious" he swallowed, his voice tight in his throat.  
"Yeah," Bucky grinned "There's still enough arm there for me to just have a normal prosthetic... Well, a normal prosthetic that Tony made for me" Bucky looked like a kid who had just found out about their own surprise birthday party while Steve looked like he was going faint.  
"But why?" Was all he could mutter. Bucks face fell.  
"Because I don't want it, Steve," he said simply. "I never wanted it, they gave it to me, they made me do horrible things with it and I want it gone"

"But... But what if something goes wrong?" Steve swallowed.  
"Then I'll only have one arm" Bucky shrugged "I'll still feel cleaner, normal... Not like a damn weapon..."  
"Buck... Please don't do this" Steve begged, crossing the room to his friend. "Please, I know what happened in the past was too horrible to think about, but that's not all your arm is"  
"It's property of Hydra, they can have it back," Bucky said darkly.  
"Buck... There's a chance for you to do so much more now if you can match me in a fight, think what you could do for us... For the Avengers..." Steve tried to find something, anything to try and make Bucky change his mind. Why hadn't he told him about this before? "Please Buck, you don't have to-"  
"I'm not talking to you about this, I'm going to have a nap before I go and do this" Bucky cut him off, getting out of his seat and storming off into his bedroom, leaving Steve on his own. He needed to find Tony, he needed to put an end to this before it was too late...

There was no point in talking to Bucky now, he'd wound him up too much. So Steve took the elevator down to Tony's workshop, banging on the glass door to let him in. The man did so without hesitating, even smiling to greet his friend.  
"Well I was expecting a different super soldier, but can't complain" he smirked, eyes suddenly widening in fear as Steve grabbed the man's shirt and lifted him, slamming him against the wall.  
"You are not removing Bucky's arm" Steve growled.  
"Why not? He seems to want to get rid of it" Tony swallowed nervously  
"Yeah and who's fault is that!?" Steve snapped  
"Uh... Probably the people who put it there, I mean he's told me some stories-"  
"Shut up" Steve snapped "you put this idea into his head, I just know it..."  
"Steve, the guy came to me weeks ago asking if there was anything I could do to get rid of it" he tried to explain, but Steve slammed him against the wall again.  
"You are not removing his arm, do you hear me?" He snarled. "There's nothing wrong with him..."  
"Why don't you tell /him/ this?" Tony muttered  
"Because he won't listen to me" Steve shouted, his voice breaking a little "I need him by my side, I can't go back to fighting without him"  
"Steve... I'm really not the person that needs to hear this" Tony said I little clearer.  
Steve made a pained noise, in the back of his throat, letting go of Tony's shirt and letting him slide down the wall.  
"Listen... I will hold him off for today... but you've got to talk to him..." Tony sighed, slowly getting back to his feet.  
"He won't talk to me today... I've upset him too much" Steve sighed, running his hands through his hair. "Just... yeah, just please hold him off for a little while..."


	2. Don't make me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finds out what Steve said to Tony and he isn't happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I felt sad writing this...

Steve sat in his shared living room, his head in his hands as he waited for Bucky to come back. He hadn't been in his room when he returned, and no-one else knew where he was. he knew he was probably going down to see Tony, and he knew he would be upset with him, but he needed a chance to talk to him, to convince him not to do this.  
He was about to go and get himself a drink when the door opened with a bang, startling Steve and causing him to turn.  
"What did you do?!" Bucky roared, standing in the doorway.  
"Buck... listen" Steve swallowed, approaching his friend.  
"What did you say to Tony?" His cheeks were flushed red with anger, his hair had slipped from his ponytail and was now framing his face, casting more sinister shadows. He had known his friend long enough to know that he had done something seriously wrong, the expression on the younger man's face even made Steve want to cower away from him.  
"I asked him to hold off... just for a little while, just until I could talk to you..." Steve explained, raising his hands a little.  
"Start talking" Bucky spat, slamming the door and crossing the room, his expression never changing. Steve stepped aside, watching his friend sit at the kitchen table, his hands resting on the glass surface.  
"Okay," Steve exhaled, wringing his hands a little. "Buck... I need you to think about this from a different point of view..." When he didn't get a reply, he continued "Buck... you've been gone for so long, I can't fight without you again, I need you-"  
"Oh shut up Steve!" Bucky almost screamed, slamming his metal hand down on the table, causing a large crack to appear in the thick glass "I have given up so much for you! I have risked my life sticking up for you... Are you that pathetic that you still need me to hold your fucking hand? Am I supposed to live out the rest of my fucking life dragging around this thing that makes me the monster I've tried so desperately to convince myself that I'm not?!" Tears were streaming down Bucky's face by the time he'd finished shouting, his chest heaving as he caught his breath.

Steve was stunned, and he was shaking. The last time he had felt like this, was when Bucky had told him that he didn't know him... the lack of recognition in his eyes had broken his heart, and now, to hear that he had caused so much grief in Bucky's life, and he was continuing to cause it, hurt even more.  
Something in Steve's expression must have said something to Bucky because the next time he spoke, his voice was a lot softer.  
"And about this shit... This shit about me fighting by your side..." he muttered, his voice a little huskier after his screaming. "I fought by your fucking side before I had this... back when you couldn't walk up a flight of damn stairs without passing out... you think I'd honestly give all that up?" Steve's eyebrows knitted together at that. "Howard's boy is a weapons expert... you honestly think that anything tony makes me is going to be your standard plastic prosthetic?"  
"But... you said it would be a normal prosthetic..." Steve swallowed, sitting down at the table.  
"I said, a normal prosthetic that Tony made..." Bucky said flatly.  
"And what if it goes wrong?" Steve asked, "You said you'd only have one arm..."  
"And Fury has one eye, I'll make it work!" Bucky snapped, quickly running a hand through his hair, pushing it out of his face. "Steve... I love you... more than anything else in this world, please don't make me carry this with me..." his voice breaking as he looked into Steve's eyes.  
"I'm sorry" the blonde swallowed, holding his head in his hands. "Bucky, I'm so sorry"  
Bucky sighed, leaning back in his seat, he didn't want to see Steve upset, but this was something he wasn't going to back down on, no matter how much it hurt his friend.  
"I think I scared Tony a little earlier... so I'll go back tomorrow and say sorry" he muttered, getting out of his seat. "I'm going down to the gym" Steve stayed at the kitchen table while Bucky went and retrieved his bag before leaving him on his own again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry! I'm sorry for making Steve and Bucky cry! Things are gonna get better!


	3. How can I repay you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony fits Bucky's new arm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how to write this kind of thing, I hope I did well XD

"Hey," Bucky muttered, wandering into Tony's workshop the next day, hiding something behind his back.  
"Hey," Tony frowned, eyeing him nervously. "Feeling better after yesterday?" Bucky sighed, walking over to him.  
"No... I'm still pissed with Steve..." he answered, handing Tony something wrapped in paper. "This is for breaking whatever it was that I broke yesterday..."  
"Nice" Tony chuckled, taking it and turning the jar of shaving cream over in his hands.  
"Yeah... I know you don't drink, so..." he smiled shyly before sitting down beside him.  
"No, I like it... Thanks" Tony grinned, turning to him. "So are you ready to get started?"  
"Yes," Bucky grinned.

The procedure itself took almost five hours, with tony taking breaks every now and then. Bucky had needed a moment when the arm itself was removed to just to feel what it was like, with no enhancements. His arm had been amputated just above his elbow, the scars running up to his shoulder, meeting the thick circle of scar tissue where the metal had ended. When Tony had offered to find a plastic surgeon that could remove that, Bucky had said no, the arm had been the problem, the scarring was proof of what he'd been through, what he'd survived. Tony had agreed but told him the offer was still there. The new arm came up almost to the same point of the old one, but not quite covered his shoulder.

The last time Bucky had seen Tony about the design of the arm, all he had were prototypes, he hadn't seen the finished product, and while Tony was fitting it, he wouldn't let Bucky watch. The arm had to still be metal, for him to use while fighting, Tony had recreated a lot of the technology what was in the old arm, knowing that Bucky wanted to be completely rid of it. And after removing the old arm, it was easy to see how to then attach to the man. But as well as that, he had also created a sleeve to go over it, made of a silicone-like material, but a lot stronger. It could still tear, but only in extreme cases, and even then, it was an easy thing to repair. In terms of realism, Tony had even set artificial veins into the sleeve, even going as far as including random freckles and rooting hairs to match it to Bucky's other arm. It all was all then attached to Bucky's actual skin, completely covering the prosthetic.

"Okay... it's finished" he smiled, sitting back and removing the screen he'd been using to keep Bucky from watching. Bucky smiled, sitting up and working the kinks out of his neck before he glanced down. He ran his real hand over his fake one, looking at how they matched, the rough patches of his palm smoothed out to his wrist. He admired the bluish lines of his veins and sat, running his fingers over the hair of his arm. Looking at the fingerprints on the artificial digits.  
"Okay, first test, high five" Tony smiled, holding up his hand. Bucky stared at his hand for a moment before slowly raising his arm, his hand pretty much slapping Tony's away.  
"Ah! Fuck..." Tony yelped, holding his hand. "Okay... good... kinda" he chuckled. "Okay, meet each of your fingers to your thumb, then make a fist..." It took Bucky a moment of concentration, but eventually he did as he was told, his hand shaking a little as he moved his fingers, finally making a tight fist.  
"Great" Tony grinned, picking up a water bottle. "Hold this with your false arm and open it, then swap hands, and put the lid back on with your false arm"  
The tests went on for another hour, Bucky learning how to use his new arm again.

"How can I ever repay you?" Bucky sighed, flexing his fingers and making a fist. Tony grinned, shaking his head.  
"Don't break any more of my stuff..." he chuckled. "But seriously, you don't owe me anything... I'm just glad I could help"  
Normally this amount of work would have Tony wanting a favour from the other person, but seeing the look on Bucky's face, knowing just how much this meant to him. He couldn't bring himself to ask that of Bucky. The guy had been through so much... and this seemed like the last puzzle piece to making him feel normal again.  
"Thank you..." Bucky swallowed, turning to look at Tony.  
"You're welcome" Tony smiled, leaning over to grab Bucky's shirt. "Now go and show that boyfriend of yours" Bucky looked puzzled for a moment before muttering.  
"Steve isn't my boyfriend..."  
"Go and show him..." Tony said again, grinning as he handed the top to Bucky. The older man pulled it on, feeling the material scratch against his shoulder. Once he was dressed, he thanked Tony again before making his way upstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky got him Whiskey shaving soap.  
> http://www.portlandgeneralstore.com/products/whiskey-old-fashioned-wet-shave-soap


End file.
